Are you having trouble coming to agreement on terms with friends colleagues family the boss at work and others these are conflicts there are disagreements and there are ways to go about handing those my name is Edward chiheb and this video is about how to work with conflict and the different ways that you can resolve them stay tuned all right so let’s talk about conflicts conflicts come from disagreements and a disagreement is anything that disrupts the normal routine that you are used to and have come to expect conflicts happen when these disagreements don’t get resolved as such it is very important that we identify these disagreements and find meaningful ways to get them resolved there are different problem-solving strategies and we’ll talk about those in a little bit now many people will tell you that conflicts should be avoided in reality conflicts should not be avoided in fact most of the time conflicts can bring about some new ideas and can expose some serious concerns that the organization or yourself at home may need to be aware of so let’s start with the assumption that conflicts should not really be avoided and that we should look at ways to address it we will start by discussing the different types of conflict there are three main categories of conflicts number one you have the inner conflict this is where you have an issue with something and you’re not sure what to do about it so let’s say your boss has come to work we have to discuss some serious concern but you know it’s the weekend and you didn’t really want to go to work so you’re forced to go to work because it is your boss and you’re worried about work but at the same time inside of you there’s a desire to stay home so that’s called an inner conflict where you’re just battling with an idea with yourself and then we have the other type of conflict which is the interpersonal conflict this is where you are disagreeing with somebody else on anything you could be disagreeing on cultural aspects on opinions the direction that they want to Pro some problem but you typically would have disagreed would have a disagreement with this one other person there’s a third type of disagreement and that’s called the group conflict this is where the apartments are disagreeing or countries are disagreeing and in these areas you are not necessarily a party to this conflict instead it is departed departments or the countries that are struggling to find middle ground and they will need to resolve it at that level besides these three types of conflicts there’s two varieties of it there’s the hidden and then there’s the open the open conflict is the one that we can express it is clear to everybody that we have a conflict with it it comes from misunderstandings we have different assumptions different perceptions different management styles our goals are a little bit different but then we have the other type which is the hidden conflict the hidden conflict is something that is very hard to deal with we are not sometimes we are aware of it and the others are not sometimes we’re not aware of it and they’re not sometimes nobody knows that there is a conflict there but there is a point in time where that conflict is going to manifest itself so we say it’s a hidden conflict because we are not very much in tune with it and it can come back to bite us at some point there are some factors that contribute to conflict and this is one of them is our behavior some of us are considered introverts and others are considered extroverts and introverts is someone who thinks too much in words and there are more focused on their internal thoughts and they tend to be more reflective and think the issue out really deep and what happens in extremes is that an introvert takes their time in responding and addressing an issue and that extreme causes them to not act on the issue and then you got the other side of it which is the extroverts the extroverts they are they talk too fast not at the fast speed but they are quick to respond they are quick to act and a lot of times because there are outspoken and very outspoken if they go to the extreme of it sometimes they speak too fast and they put their foot in their mouth and they get themselves in trouble so a lot of times being an extrovert can contribute to the conflict being an introvert to an extreme also means that you are not acting and you’re not doing anything to resolve the issue and that also contributes to the conflict now there is a very popular tool that was developed by two guys named Joe and Harry and it’s called the Joe Harry window and in it what they’ve done is they’ve put on one side things we know about ourselves and things we don’t know about ourselves and then on the opposite side they’ve put things that people know about us and things people don’t know about us and so the areas that we need to focus on here is the things that we know about ourselves and the things that other people know about us so if we know about them and they know about them then we consider that the open pane of that window and the goal is to widen that open pane of the window now there’s another pane of this window which is the things we know about ourselves but others don’t know about them and these are considered hidden because we we know them and we’re hiding them from others all right there’s a third pane in the window and this is called the blind pane and the reason it’s blind is that others know something about us that we don’t know and therefore we don’t see it and then there’s one pain the last pane is the one that we don’t know about and others don’t know about and this is called the unknown pane the goal of the Johari Window is to minimize the unknown and expand on the open area to expand on the open area we can move towards the hidden area by disclosing more to people and we can also expand from the open towards the blind area by asking for feedback from people and this will make the open area wider the more the more we talk about ourselves and the more people know about us the less the chance that we will face conflict so that’s the Johari Window now it is important to note that sometimes you and the other party to the conflict may not be at the same level so where you might think that something is light and can be taken you know in a light manner the other person could be campaigning against you and talking to people about you so you want to make sure that these conflicts are being addressed in a timely fashion so that they don’t you know they don’t boil up into a more serious issue there are different approaches or different styles that we use for conflict and the and some of them would involve compromise where we both don’t really get what we want others involve so that’s called a lose-lose and then there’s also the win-lose where one wins over the other one is given up and the other is winning taking what they want and that can happen with author you know authoritative Styles where I enforce that you have to do what I say otherwise you know something bad could happen the side that is being ordered to do it is not happy and that whatever is in them is just gonna sit there and fester and become a bigger problem and so that’s a win lose one side wins the other loses smoothing is another one where we we tend to cover on the negatives of the problem and we’re focusing on the positives in that way we’re just burying the problem and we’re just trying to sound positive but in reality it’s not really a positive situation right so that’s called smoothing politicians do that a lot another one is avoidance where you just don’t deal with it at all and you hope that it goes away but in reality it doesn’t really go away and it comes back to bite you the best approach that you want to try to apply is the win/win which is the problem-solving approach where you’re try to find a solution that works for both of you so that you’re both happy with the outcome at the end now it’s important to note that all of these five Styles can be needed at some in some instances depending on how much time you have and the criticality of the problem in some instances you need to take an authoritative approach and call the shots in other instances you have time and you’re able to do a problem-solving to take care of it if so let’s discuss some factors that contribute to conflict communication a breakdown in communication or lack of communication can result in conflict afterwards you get a note that the things that you say and the things that people hear may not necessarily because when you say it your body language your expression you have tone of voice and all come out in a certain way the other person have their own biases and they have their own backgrounds and they have their own distractions and that’s gonna play a role in how they understand what you’re trying to get across so make sure the environment is such that what you are what your state is being received by the other person clearly and also other things you want to look at is the fact that people work within rules called paradigms and within these rules they expect things to happen right if you start to go outside of these paradigms then people feel conflicted about the situation and so that could contribute to conflict okay let’s talk about steps that you can take or actions you can take to reduce conflict number one start with a positive intent don’t come with any loaded up negative opinions before you start talking to the other person don’t assume much don’t look at the past focus more on the future and you know start with that clean slate to see where you can go on on your on addressing your disagreement the other thing you want to do is accept that people are different we all have our own biases we focus on things differently some are task oriented some are detail oriented some are more into art some are more into technicals so you need to realize that we don’t always think the same we have our own strengths we have our own limitations and therefore we have to work with those another thing you need to do is listen actively to people when they talk don’t just hear them out listen to them watch their in watch their body language try to capture their emotions this called emotional intelligence capture their emotions capture the tone of their voice try to be sincere when you when you ask questions when you respond try to ask questions try to paraphrase in your in your questions you know repeat the same thing say it differently and ask them if you understood them this is going to make them feel like they’re being heard listened to and that would minimize the level of conflict between both of you but if you want to improve your active listening skills here’s some recommendations number one make a decision that you actually want to listen don’t interrupt people we all do that right keep your eyes focused on the speaker don’t let them wander around right get your ears tuned to what they’re saying track how often you do the talking how often somebody else does ask questions throughout the conversation rely more on open-ended questions to allow them to speak more finally let’s discuss an approach that you could use to resolve a conflict number one what you want to do is identify what the problem is put a name put some criteria to it you know specify what is the issue between you two and then after that specify what your position is what the position of the other person is you obviously have two different positions on it because you are disagreeing write down the things that you both disagree each individually or what you disagree on find out if there are things that you both agree on and then put that in the middle if there is enough that you both agree on then use that to try to find some sort of a solution that works revisit the goals that you both share if you’re working in a company you probably have the same goals maybe it’s a project that needs to finish but you have some disagreements so what are the goals let’s make sure that you have the same goals if you have the same goals and you are both aware of the problem and you can clearly state your disagreements but at the same time state what you agree on that’s a very good start there could be enough in there for you to solve the problem if you can’t solve it at that stage then what you need to do is list down the needs that everyone has because a lot of time that disagreement that happens is because I have my own needs okay so if you’re not allowing me let’s say you’re my boss and you don’t allow me to go on vacation because there’s an important project right I may have my own needs for why I need to take my vacation at this time you have your own needs for why you want me to stay you have we all be we both would agree that the goal of completing the project is important but I have my own needs where I have to travel at that time so let’s list on our needs my needs your needs let’s prioritize them and let’s see if there are needs that actually emerge between both of us right so if there is enough in the merge area between the needs if after we looked at the needs we find that there’s some sort of a win-win solution that we can work with then let’s find that right if we cannot solve it at that level let’s go through the assumptions that we’re making I am probably assuming something about you or I’m assuming something about my needs so for example if I don’t take the vacation at this time then I’m going to miss that window of time where my kids are out of school and that assumption is going to make me more forceful in asking for what I want and maybe hold on to my position a little stronger I could also envision a time when tickets might go higher in price and because I’m assuming that I’m pushing for what I need which is a vacation at this time so what are the assumptions on making what are the assumptions the other side is making let’s list those down and let’s see if we can validate those assumptions a lot of times when you validate them you find that there is there’s there’s been a misunderstanding and the assumptions are not truly valid and there’s a way around it and then you can try to find a solution at that point if you can’t find a solution at that point then you just need to brainstorm for what would be the best win-win solution that would you know alleviate those assumptions that we have and address the needs the highest priority needs that we each have but equally address the goals of your organization or the goals that we share and we’ll alleviate some of these disagreements that we have I hope this video on conflict management has been useful if you have any thoughts regarding conflict management or if you would like to share how you normally address conflicts I’ll be happy to hear from you you can put your comments down below and I will surely respond to you if you like the video kindly like the video share it with your 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